Happy Halloween!

So, we found Oksana. She was NOT adopted by a Ukrainian family. She was chosen by a local foster family to move into their foster home. Supposedly, they saw her photo and information on a website and liked her, and wanted to bring her to their home.

This does NOT exclude her from adoption. We only know of two websites that have her photos on it, other than our blog, and that is Big Family Charity, and PrayerforOrphans. The Prayer site has a more concise bio about Oksana, and clearly states that we are trying to adopt her.

Of course the director is all clouds and rainstorms about it, saying that he doesn't think we will ever be able to adopt her now, but I'm not going to start trusting that man now after all he has lied about in the past year.

The action point now is to get the contact info for this foster family. We know they are in Nizhyn, which is a pretty big city for Ukraine, and its closer to Kyiv than the orphanage was. Hopefully, the foster family will either already know about our efforts from the webpage, or will be accepting and maybe supportive of our efforts when we find them. Worst case is that they try to stand in the way of the adoption. Best case, they support us and help us get her registered and let us stay in contact with her. Based on my experience with other foster families in Ukraine, most of them are caring Christian people, who only want a good life for these kids. Based on that, and what my prayers have told me, I think this family will help us adopt Oksana. Either way, at least she is in a better place than that remote orphanage.


In other news, Marina graduated from the intensive English program yesterday. She gets her little diploma on Friday and starts full time at her home base school next week. I don't know what the exact requirements of "graduation" are, but she is definitly NOT fluent enough to operate in a English speaking classroom all day and do the work. She can speak and understand English well, but she can't really write, spell, or read at all. She doesn't seem to understand that once she goes full time to Briarvista that she will be required to do all the same work as the English speaking students. She seems to think that she will continue to only be required to do the math work. So we went to Americanski Puzata Hata (Ryans steakhouse and buffet) last night to celebrate.

Also had an appointment with Magda yesterday afternoon, for Katya. Marina played on our laptop in the next room. Katya seems to think that we don't give her enough privledges compared to Marina, and that she is treated unfairly. Well, don't all kids think that? Darn, most adults think like that!

Perfect example, on the drive to Puzata Hata, we were confirming with Katya that she wanted to start volunteering at the local animal shelter (one of the things she said she wanted to change about our home was she wanted a kitten and a big dog - we already have 2 cats, a small dog, and a hamster, so no more pets - so we suggested she volunteer at the animal shelter and she agreed). Marina of course wants to go too, thinking its going to be all fun and games and playing with the animals. We tell her no, this is something special for Katya to do as Katya is a teenager and she is only 10. She them goes on this tirade about how we let Katya do EVERYTHING and buy Katya EVERYTHING and buy nothing for her. *sigh* Katya says the same thing.

I am seriousely considering taking everything of theirs away except the BAREST minimum, so they can see how much they BOTH have. Then they can earn each thing back with good behavior.


We are also doing some slight redecorating to their room, now that they are home and settled in. I know, what horrible unfair parents we are, right? Buying them stuff to redecorate their rooms and agreeing to the redec in the first place. Horrible. LOL So we got rid of the "baby" toys like the play kitchen, and are putting in a little work table for homework, cards, puzzles, crafts etc, fabric covered cork boards, and shelves for displaying their favorite photos or mementos on. Oh, and we are putting curtains around their bunk beds so they can each have "privacy" by closing their respective curtains.

Financially we are starting to recover and get back into a routine. Thankfully we don't have many more expenses with the girls home than we did by ourselves. The girls eat more fruit, but we also eat home more and go out less with the girls home. Except for McDonalds. That is almost twice a week with them. Hopefully we will eventually get this refund from the student loans department (they were taking too much from Andrew for a year, so they agreed to refund it) so we can pay off some of our relatives who helped us out with the adoption, and pay off the few credit cards we used. Thankfully we got the girls social security cards shortly after turning in the applications. It was way easier than I thought it was going to be. They didn't need a certificate of citizenship for Katya, her entry visa in her Ukrainian passport was enough. So now I can concentrate on getting a "receipt" from Masha our facilitator for applying for the adoption tax credit this January.

Upcoming plans include trick or treating tonight at one of our local malls, and then this weekend maybe visiting Andrew's aunt and uncle here in Georgia ( they live about an hour away), and going to the Ukrainian family reunion on Sunday at Stone Mountain park. Julie Nolte organizes these a few times a year for all the adoptive families with Ukie kids. This will be our first one WITH the girls.

Prayer Request

So, I've heard yet another rumor about Oksana. One of my friends in New York, who is trying to adopt two girls from Oksana's orphanage was told, by her kids, that Oksana was adopted by a Ukrainian family and was leaving the orphanage.

Now, I've heard this rumor a dozen times before, and its never turned out to be true. But there is still that kernal of anxiety in my heart about it. The fact is, Ukraine is unpredictable and there is a slim change it is true.

But, there is more of a chance that it is not true. #1. You can't always believe a 10 year old's word about something like this - they could be fibbing, it could be a misunderstanding etc.

Also, the woman helping all of us with the kids registration for adoption confirmed that Oksana's parents rights were never terminated, and she was never registered for adoption. The only possibilities are: its foster home program, or her birth mother was found and has taken her.

Ukrainians don't adopt older kids. Almost never. I think its less than 1% of the time Ukrainians actually adopt domestically do they choose a kid over 2 years old, and most of those times its a biological relative (their niece or nephew etc).

We also confirmed at the SDA when we were there adopting Marina and Katya that Oksana was not registered. Ukrainians can't adopt the kids either if they aren't registered for adoption. That is what the 14 months is for - for domestic adoptions only. Once that 14 months is up, then the kid can be adopted internationally.

Also, the director, the regional inspector and the SDA are all aware of our efforts to adopt Oksana. I know they can't "stop" a ukrainian family from adopting the kids, but they do have a say, and usually once the ukrainian family knows that the kid is going to America, they back off. Same with the foster homes. Once the foster group finds out that the kid is going to America soon, they take them off the list.

So, I'm at a loss, and I am praying desperately that this just another misunderstanding and rumor. With so many people aware of our efforts, I don't see why someone would allow an adoption or foster home to go through for Oksana. Oksana is also aware and wrote us a letter just a few weeks ago, calling me Mama Melissa and telling me to hurry up her documents so she could come live with us. The kid has to agree to an adoption or foster home placement, so I don't thik Oksana would agree either, and she can be quite the handful when she doesn't want to do something!

So please, pray for our family and for Oksana that the situation will turn out the way it is supposed to. In my biased opinion that means Oksana being part of our family, as any placement in Ukraine will not give her the opprotunity to reach her full potential as living in America would.

Parenting with Love and Logic

So I broke down and bought the book. I've heard so many good things about it. As I've started reading it, I've realized that alot of the ideas are good ones, but they would be hard to implement when my kids don't speak fluent English yet. Most of PWLAL is about talking...giving the kids control through options, expressing feelings instead of giving order etc....but what do you do when your kids speak only pidgin English?!?!

Some of it we had already been doing too - if the kid doesn't change their behavior, you change their location. ie, when they throw a tantrum in Target, one of the parents takes the kid out of the store and to the car. If only one parent is present, you leave your basket where it is, and take the kids to the car and go home.

Many of our problems have been with the kids NOT making one of the given choices, NOT staying in their rooms to cool down, etc. They are far too big for us to pick them up, but we often have to do this in the end. Marina often needs to be physically restrained during her meltdowns so she doesnt "take-off", hurt herself or others or damage property. We have to physically pick her up and carry her out of the store when she has a tantrum as she will not walk out on her own two feet. We do't hurt her in any way- just bear-hug her until she calms down, or fireman carry her to where she needs to be.

Some of the battles we are losing include: being honest, going to bed at night, waking up in the morning, and constantly (and I mean constantly) comparing themselves to everyone else and how things that happen to them are "not fair!."

The food battles are mostly over. Marina is finally drinking milk, and they almost always eat their food at dinner. Lunch is another story, since I can't be there to make sure they are actually eating their lunches. I have talked to their teachers, who take them to lunch, so I have them keeping an eye out for me.

Another big challenge lately, including this weekend, is their Russian friends. Their Russian friends are not adopted. The parents are Russian immigrants, and these kids have lived with those parents their whole lives. Problem is, they still have many of the "bad habits" that are part of Russian culture - ie running around barefoot in the woods, peeing outside instead of using a toilet, going down to the lake to wash the dishes instead of using the nearby washhouse, letting the kids wear questionable clothing etc. Its been very hard to enforce our rules and boundaries on the girls when their Russian friends' families don't have similar rules.

We had an incident this Saturday while trying to attend Masha's birthday party. Even though Georgia is in a state of emergency drought, and Lake Lanier is 19 ft below where it should be, Masha's family decided they wanted to go camping and have a birthday picnic at the lake. andrew and I being in medicine, and I being an infectious disease specialist, we knew that in its current state, Lake Lanier posed a health risk to the girls. Their immune systems are still not 100%, they are on the INH for latent TB, and with the lake so low, all of the bacteria, viruses, and parasites are super-concentrated into a smaller amount of water. We told the girls that we would go to the lunch on the condition that they did not go in the water and they would not be allowed to go swimming. I dislike non-pool swimming anyways, but this was especially troubling, and they agreed to the condition. I was cleaning a few things out of the car when I hear Andrew bellowing across the park for me. Apparently, the girls, along with Masha and another Russian kid, went down to the lake to "wash the picnic dishes in the lake water" (YUCK!!!) and got their feet all muddy. On top of this they were not wearing their shoes while tromping through the forest (where there was visible broken glass from boaters). I catch up with them as they are returning to the dreaded lake to wash their feet. I stop them and reinforce that they are not to go near the lake water. I let the first transgression slide, as I thought that maybe they misunderstood that they were not to even put their feet in the lake. I tell them to go up to the little bath house and wash their feet there. A few minutes later we spot them on a private boat pier, splashing around and dipping their hands and feet into the water. Well, we had given them a second chance, and they chose to disobey us again. So we ran over, got them away from the water, and let them know that we were disappointed that they went to the water even after we reminded them not to, and then annouced that we were leaving the party and going home. PWLAL, If you can't change their behavior, you change their location - right? They were upset, screaming, wouldn't go get their shoes (which they had again left behind at the campsite and not worn while running through the woods), and we finally got them to the car, in tears.

The biggest issue came with trying to explain our decision to the russian families there. They had no idea WHY it was not ok for the kids to run barefoot and muddy around the lake. They seemed to not want to simply respect our wishes as the girls parents - i got the feeling that they felt that we were sub-par parents that needed to be educated on how to raise "russian" kids. that somehow by us not being russian, we were not good enough parents for the girls because we were depriving them of their "culture" by prohibiting them from doing these things. Not wanting to burn-bridges with our daughter's best friend's family, I explained as best I could over and over. Then I finally returned to the car, and we left. The girls wailed most of the way home, beat the back of our car seats, refused to put on their seat belts etc.

more later, and photos too.

Headless Ken

Sorry its been so long between posts. I'm trying to keep this up so that I have a written record of this process, and so other adoptive parents can learn from our experiences and know that they are not alone.

The photos are: the girls portrait, the girls at Sonic with Marina's friend Syka who is from Kyrgystan, and the girls in Helen Georgia for Octoberfest with Katya's friend Masha from St. Petersburg.

The most recent disaster happened Tuesday night and has had some aftershocks that are still continuing today. Marina had a MAJOR meltdown around bedtime on Tuesday. Initially it started out being an issue with her attendance in her school's after school care program. Its not like the kids are still in school during this time - they play, do fun crafts and activities, etc. Its necessary for her to go to this program as her school lets out at 2pm and we work until 5 pm or so, and she definately can't be at the house by herself at age 10.


So, we got her moved back to Briarvista after a huge disappointment with Fernbank Elementary, and she seemed happy about this return, but she was still having issues about staying at school after school ended for the day. She began to escalate, saying she wouldnt go to school, she wouldnt go to bed etc. The exact process escapes me now, as it was 10 at night when she was escalating, and I was tired. I remember that she refused all attempts by us to compromise with her and get her to sleep. She ended up sitting at the dining room table, which is very close to our foyer and front door. Marina has a habit of "taking off" when she gets upset. She literally leaves the house and disappears. Usually we get her back into the house quickly, but not without a physical fight on her part. Knowing this was a possibility, we were not comfortable with leaving her alone in the common area of the house for fear that she would take-off, this time in the middle of the night.


So we sat down at the dining room table with her, and tried to reason with her. We knew that there was something deeper at issue here than just not wanting to go to the after school program. Eventually it came out that she wanted to live "on the street" and not with us. She started to get really confused, angry and sad and started transfering her memories of her birth parents onto us - ie. we were the ones who drank vodka, we abused her, we gave her the scars on her arms and legs, we "boomed" her (our word for hit or beat), etc. She also started defending her birth father, the one who actually drank the vodka and abused her, saying she loved him and wanted to live with him. We tried to bring her back to reality, with reminders that her birth father was dead and that we were her forever parents now, and that we never hurt her and did not drink vodka, that we knew that those things happened to her and that it made us very angry and sad that it happened to her. We got out some Barbies from her room, and put them on the table in front of her. She picked up the Barbies and acted out some of the abuse (we had a ken, barbie, and a little sister barbie). By the end of the "skit" ken's head was chopped off, the little sister was across the room, and the barbie was on the floor. My table also has some nice big dents and gashes it in now from where she banged the barbies' nice hard bodies into it.

Eventually she let Andrew rock her, and we got her to lay down on the couch with Andrew. This was 2am. Needless to say, we kept her out of school the next day due to emotional exhaustion, lack of sleep, and a need to be near us after this catharsis.

Well, Katya had a headache that morning. I gave her tylenol and sent her to school. She had slept through this whole ordeal, and she was not fevered, so no staying home. She was livid about this. Also, I guess the girls had split up the barbies between them, and the ken that got beheaded was claimed by Katya. Katya is still pissed today. Almost no talking, no acknowledgement, she just sits in her room ignoring us. She wouldnt even eat dinner last night. She is also pissed because her friend Masha has not been at the English school for about a week now, due to standardized testing at her home base school and a dentists appointment. On top of all that (oh the teenage trauma right?), her homebase school electives shifted. She is no longer in "technology" ie computer lab, she is now in visual arts. This is part of the electives program here - every 9 weeks, the kids change electives. Next 9 weeks it will be music, or something. Of course the school is still a major issue, and does not communicate these things to us, so we had no way to explain or prepare her for this change.

Thankfully, that is one of our successes - we got the IEP meeting scheduled for November 7th. Since the parents get 50% say in the decisions, and we have Katya's english teacher on our side, the annoying homebase school counselor has no chance of opposing us! yippie! We are also having our therapist, Madga, come with us to speak on Katya's behalf. Thankfully, she and Ms. Savitt, the english teacher, are native Russian speakers and have both noticed that Katya has language delays in her native language. This will qualify her for the IEP. If not, we will claim that there were developmental delays noted on her medical records from Ukraine (which there might be, but I can't read all the records!), and Katya has PTSD and cumulative cognitive deficit. When Katya has an IEP, the school will be forced to make educational accomodations for her.

In other news, we finally got our first set of family portraits back, along with the portraits of the girls. We will probably take advantage of our portrait club membership and bring the girls back to take photos in their princess gowns this month, and again around christmas and maybe again in january. The princess dress photos are more for them - they really really wanted to wear those fancy dresses in the family portrait, but Andrew and I overruled them, and we all wore matching outfits.